JOHAN: A Personal Operating Manual
by An Ordinary Fan
Summary: Cheers to you! You are now the owner of an amazing, life-sized MAGIC STUDENT JOHAN unit! For more details on how to optimize this purchase, please consult the enclosed instruction manual. Thank you, and have a wonderful day!


Author's Note: Ah, the first new update for the summer! Now, I know that the grand majority of people who have me on their 'Alert' lists aren't waiting (or, frankly, didn't even expect) another Operating Manual story. However, the MIKEY tale did recieve a few good reviews, plus this kind of story isn't hard to write once you get into the right groove. Now, on to the disclaimer!

**Disclaimer: I _still_ do not own ****RADIATA STORIES****, or any of its characters. I would also like to add that, since writing the DARK ELF MIKEY manual, I _still_ am not the owner of this format. Did you know that a search for 'Owners Manual' on this site yields over 300 results? If I _did _own this format, I doubt I could profit off of it anyways. Oh, and I don't own Twilight...not that I _want_ to, though.**

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**MAGIC STUDENT JOHAN: Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual**

_Congratulations! You are now the owner of a brand-new JOHAN unit. You will be surprised to discover the many wonderful talents this unit posesses...until you find out that half of what he says isn't true. To get the most use out of your unit, please carefully read the following instructions._

Basic Information

Name: Johan _(last name unavailable)_

Date of Manufacture: September 6, 2005

Place of Manufacture: Square Enix Inc.; Tri-Ace Branch; Vareth Division

Height: Slightly-Below-Average

Weight: Light

Behavioural Summary: Passive, with a high timid streak; tries to cover by being a liar of Baron Münchhausen-al proportions

_Your Johan unit comes with the following accessories:_

2 Green Vareth Magic Institute Uniforms (M), charmed to protect against wind magic

2 Pairs Tan Pants

1 Pair Brown Leather Shoes

1 Green Beret

_NOTE: More clothing can be bought if necessary from online catalogues. However, as Vareth is a rather prestigious school, your JOHAN will prefer to wear his original outfit as a symbol of his knowledge and importance._

1 'Vatirok'-brand staff, wind element

3 Herb Extracts

Opening Your JOHAN Unit:

Your JOHAN unit is easy to open. If you encounter difficulty, your JOHAN might begin to insult you from inside the packaging, claiming he could be doing much better from where you're standing. He might even claim to have done so while under implausable circumstances, such as...well, a JOHAN's imagination is practically endless, so we won't bother to make any specific example. Should you become frustrated by this, leave the area, take a break, and try again later.

Programming

_Here are a few possible functions you can get a JOHAN unit to perform:_

**Storyteller**: Are you an author trying to come up with a new novel for all those that bought DARK ELF MIKEY units that have ran out of books? Fret no more, because a JOHAN unit is excellent at fabricating fiction! He'll claim that all of his tales are true, so it's best to claim you're writing an autobiography in order to keep his mouth going. Soon, you'll have a tale so ficticious and unbelievable that you'll make **Twilight** seem ordinary!

**High School Student**: Despite being an automaton, a JOHAN unit has the appearance and maturity of a regular classmate...well, maybe not 'regular', but close enough to fit in. Although used to a more 'magical' peer group, surviving the daily grind of a more realistic learning environment is certainly possible. Just be prepared in case these new studies prove to be difficult to him, causing a massive loss in ego.

**Wizard: **Don't forget that JOHAN units are originally trained in the magical arts! JOHAN units have an affinity for electricity spells, which usually means a quick and high-powered strike against a foe. A great choice of an ally for a JACK unit to adventure with, once they become friends.

**Scapegoat: **Due to the untrustworthy words constantly emitted from a JOHAN's mouth, it's easy to blame him for faults occuring in your area, some of which may have been caused by you. Constantly blaming him just because of his habit of lying, however, will not end very well; see the previous function for details.

Behaviours/Modes

_Your JOHAN unit comes programmed with the following modes:_

Liar - The default mode. In order to appear more significant, manly, or what have you, a Liar JOHAN will tell stories about himself. These tales will have varying degrees of, as some may put it, 'truthiness'. Be cautious if you try to uncover the truth, for a JOHAN unit has surprisingly low self-confidence and might react badly.

Braggart - Similar to 'Liar' mode, a Braggart JOHAN will try to improve his image through talking about his academic achievements, which cannot be disproved. Merely smile and nod your head; trying to act sympathetic while a JOHAN is bragging doesn't lead anywhere.

Studious - Your JOHAN unit, while acting like he knows everything, is still programmed to do the best that he can in his studies. Even though JOHAN units have a high memory capacity for knowledge, helping with his homework will help your relationship improve.

Coward - Originally a locked mode. If a JOHAN takes part in a battle, usually those started when he is trying to prove his worth, he might get beaten up rather badly. Should a JOHAN be on the losing side of a battle, expect him to focus more on long-range combat and healing and less on trying to look as impressive as he can. Whether the JOHAN proceeds to win or lose the fight, he will seem distant and unresponsive for some time; attempting to comfort him will decrease the amount of time spent in this mode.

Friend - Originally a locked mode. After tolerating enough of his lies and helping with assignments, your JOHAN will begin to bond with you. Although still a fibber, JOHAN units lack bonds with most other units, and will do his best to be kind and to keep a friendship with you.

Relationships With Other Units

**JACK:** A gullible unit that will easily fall for a JOHAN's lies at first. Over time, after a JACK is able to identify a JOHAN's lies, the two will begin to connect and share a bond together. This is the only natural bond between a JOHAN and another unit.

**ARDOPH:** One of JOHAN's teachers. When being taught by an ARDOPH, your JOHAN will appear to act uncooperative, but will nonetheless do well in class.

**FRANKLIN:** A classmate of JOHAN; the FRANKLIN unit has no interest in males, and will thus completely ignore a JOHAN.

**OTHER MAGIC STUDENTS:** JOHAN will constantly clash with other students due to overconfidence in his abilities. If you are planning to buy another MAGIC STUDENT unit to keep a JOHAN company, we do not recommend doing so.

**OTHER HUMAN UNITS:** Unless a human is gullible enough to buy his lies, expect your JOHAN to act intolerant of others and act like he's better than them.

**GREEN GOBLIN BRIE:** Is fascinated with magic cannons, which led to also being fascinated by mages. A JOHAN will tolerate it if necessary for another friend, like a JACK, to earn BRIE's trust.

**OTHER NON-HUMAN UNITS:** Although willing to work with some under special circumstances, such as if a JACK unit needs help on a mission, JOHAN units will behave lile most other human units and will have a natural dislike of non-humans.

Cleaning

Your JOHAN unit is fully capable of cleaning itself, and will do so often, considering that all JOHANs have a tendency to bully frogs. Should you decide to assist in the cleaning process, your unit will allow you to do so after enough pestering.

_Warning: JOHAN units and its manufacturers are not responsible for any marital disputes caused by bathing a JOHAN unit._

Feeding and Rest

Your JOHAN unit is capable of eating most types of meals. He was designed to tolerate years of cafeteria food cooked in a school of magic, in a world where dumplings that restore men to full health are dropped by rare snake-like beasts. However, he is not an excellent cook; expect yourself to be the one who handles food around the house. As for rest, he is capable of and prefers to put himself to bed, thank you very much.

Disposal

Should you find continued difficulty in handling a JOHAN unit, feel free to ship him back to the original manufacturers for a partial refund. Alternatively, send him to law school, and hope he becomes either a politician or a lawyer.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: I have a semi-contageous disease. Is it safe to keep a JOHAN around the house?

A: Sadly, JOHAN units have the 'Bad Carrier' skill...er, bug. This means that communicable diseases will easily spread from a JOHAN to other people, so try to keep a JOHAN from catching what you have.

Q: Do you know where I can retrieve the pixie dust and gargoyle spit required to turn my JOHAN into his true, ethereal form?

A: Sadly, your JOHAN unit is nothing more than a human...well, a reasonable facsimile of one, at least. If he has told you otherwise, he is lying. Unless it sounds to be urgent, such as a fire or a kidnapping, it is best not to take what a JOHAN says at face value until a good friendship is built.

Q: Why does my JOHAN seem uncooperative/unfocused when being taught by an ARDOPH?

A: JOHANs are uncooperative with everyone. As for his focus, have you ever actually seen an ARDOPH unit? That's one scary face!

Q: My JOHAN was kick-duelled by a JACK unit, and a 'Mass of Enmity' materialized. Can I eat it?

A: A Mass of Enmity is an item used to curse opponents in battle. Nobody has attempted to test if it is edible, as temporarily losing the energy to move your limbs is not a desired outcome to any situation.

Q: My JOHAN has a wind-element weapon and defense...what the f*** does that mean?

A: Firstly, watch your language! Secondly, it means a JOHAN will take only 50% of the damage caused by a wind technique used against him, and 140% of an enemy's earth attack. For all RADIATA STORIES units, lightning magic counts as wind elemental magic.

Q. Is it possible for a JOHAN to engage in a meaningful relationship with a girl?

A. Your guess is as good as ours. None of our female testers could tolerate a JOHAN's lies enough to form that close of a bond, but if you think you can start a successful romance, then go for it.

Q: Does my JOHAN come with an OOC mode? That is, it possible for him to act really out-of-character, to the extent of engaging in a non-heterosexual, romantic relationship?

A: Firstly, you _do_ realise that JOHAN units are neither as old nor as mature as other RADIATA STORIES units, right? And secondly, no...although, as stated in the previous question, forming _any_ romantic relationship is extremely uncommon/unlikely.

Troubleshooting

Problem: Your JOHAN is a complete and utter sociopath, enough to be legitamitely seen as the antichrist. You have heard him talking about a twin sister named Anna, and of a a man named Dr. Kenzou Tenma

Solution: You've probably purchased a JOHAN LIEBERT, an antagonistic unit from the MONSTER series, which is developed by a completely different company. We highly recommend you dispose of it before your life is in serious danger...unless you like that sort of thing.

Problem: Your JOHAN has a short circuit.

Solution: Take him to a specialist immediately. Your JOHAN uses mid-to-high level lightning magic as a main offense; therefore, any problems involving electricity should be handled as delicately as possible.

Final Note

With proper guidance, care, and a high tolerance for fish tales, your JOHAN unit should live a long and healthy life. Thank you for purchasing this fine product, and please look into our other RADIATA STORIES units!

END OF DOCUMENT


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